The Top Ten Quotes On Beauty And Ugliness

* Fwafibear - Minsan naglalakad ako at bigla akong hinimatay. Ayun, nauso ang term na drop-dead gorgeous.
* Jose de vengenge - All from Imelda: “People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
* Mikki - Minsan napasandal ako sa pinto. Ayun, nauso ang boy-next-door.
* No name/Lights - From Gloria Diaz: “Beauty is skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the bone.”
* Edodong - BF: “Ayoko na, hiwalay na tayo!” GF: “Bahala ka! Akala mo ba, makakahanap ka pa ng katulad ko?” BF: “Bakit, sinong nagsabi na ang hahanapin ko ay ang katulad mo ulit?”
* Jose de vengenge - “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.”
* Emo Diva/Jetlog - Ugly customer: “Gawin mo kong maganda!” Parlorista: “Beautician lang po ako, hindi magician!”
* Pia - Isang araw dumaan ako sa harap ng isang mag-syota. Ayun, nauso ang third party.
* Febkinse - Minsan may na-inlove sa yo. Ayun, nauso ang LOVE IS BLIND!
* Frederique - From my gay cousin: “Pag ang lalaki may beauty kit at matagal gumamit ng CR, parang installment yan — bi now gay later.”
* The Game - One day during college while we were reviewing in the Sampaloc area, a friend rushed in shouting, “May saksakan!” When everybody rushed out he added, “May sakasakan ng panget.”
* Patrick - I may be fat, but you’re ugly. And I can always lose weight.
* Madscientist - From Imelda: “I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.”
* Tantantiniiin - When my chubby friend showed us her lifetime membership at a gym in Makati, all my friends said in chorus, “You mean it will take a lifetime?”
* Hazelnut - My friend told his date: “Wow, your eyes are really attractive.” After his date blushed, he added, “They attract each other.”
* Shining -If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, then so is ugliness.
* Shining - Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.
* Mighty Aphrodite/Cbboating - My friend always reminds us: “Oiliness is next to Ugliness.”
* No name - From Winston Churchill (to a woman offended by his loud manner): “Tomorrow madam, I shall be sober. But you, on the other hand, shall still be ugly.”
* Bongoloid - “Metrosexual”: Isang metro nalang, homosexual na!
* Jose de vengenge - Minsan, napa-upo ako sa gitna ng maraming tao. Ayun, nauso ang center of attraction.
* Jose de vengenge - Minsan, napanaginipan mo ko. Ayun, nauso ang dreamboy.
* Ronnie - Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* McMaki - I once said to my female friend, “Ang ganda mo sigurong bakla”. So she answered, “Ikaw naman, ang gwapo mo sigurong tibo.”
* Sabrinaileen - Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together.
* No name - A transvestite friend always gets compliments for looking stunningly pretty. Every time people say, “Ang ganda mo naman!” His standard reply is, “Salamat, sana ikaw rin!”
* No name - Beauty intoxicates both the holder and the beholder.
* Xtinger - Claire dela Fuente said in an interview: “Pag may pera ka na, wala ka nang karapatang maging panget.”
* RC N CESS - “Kung ang pupunta lang ng langit eh lahat ng pangit, paano naman ako? At kung ang pupunta lang ng langit eh lahat ng guwapo, paano naman kayo?”
* Andrea - “If Darwin’s theory says that we evolved from monkeys…bakit may taong mukhang kabayo?”
* Sabrinaileen - Umberto Eco: “Ugly bodies are more interesting than beautiful ones because ugliness knows no bounds.”
* Kimchii 14 - There is no “I” in UGLY, but there is a “U”.
* Stunnedsilence - Buffy The Vampire Slayer - “All men are created equal? That’s just propaganda spouted out by the ugly.”
* Rodel - From Sophia Loren: “Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got, and 50% what people THINK you’ve got.”
* Vie - Tapos na Evolution…bakit ka nagpaiwan?
* Jose de vengenge - Walang pangit sa t*ting galit.

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Flirting Moments

* No name - During my college days, I was waiting for my girlfriend to finish her class while waiting at the park. A girl approached me asking to open her Gatorade bottle, “Puwede pabukas?” Later, she came back saying, “Puwede pasara?”
* No name - I’m a girl and I’m bisexual. I have a friend who said that her wish for my birthday is for me to be straight. I told her, “Paano ko magiging straight, eh ang ganda-ganda mo.”
* No name - It was the student council campaign period when this cute presidential candidate came to our room to campaign, and to me, smiled, shook my hand and gave me a sticker. What a flirty user.
* No name - I was walking in a mall, when I noticed this guy looking at me. He approached me and started a conversation. Later, he confessed that he’s married. He had to remove his wedding ring just to talk to me.
* Frederique - I had a patient who was smelling so good that I couldn’t concentrate on the procedure that I was doing on him. So i said, “Cancel your plans for the day, matagal tayo.” He asked how long it will take, so I said, “2-3 hours or until your perfume wears off…”
* RED - I was flirting with a girl last Saturday night. We were dancing and having fun. She touched my butt and i touched hers too. I got excited pero nagulat ako kasi nahubaran siya sa harap ng maraming tao…natanggal ko pala accidentally yung pagkakatali ng damit nya.
* K9 - I saw this really HOT babe sitting near me in this bar. Eyes met. She smiled. Then she goes: “Kuya, ang tagal na tayong di nagkikita! She was my cousin!”
* Zekidam - Just to be w/ my crush who is also my classmate, I joined several male pageants and unintentionally won as Mr. College.
* Mitchy-Bitchy - I was an acolyte in high school and during communion, I would intentionally hit the chins of the pretty girls with the cold metal pallete and my forefinger. After the mass, I would hurriedly look for them to say sorry. Most of whom became my barkada. The girl who I hit the hardest got so mad, that I offered her a trip to the altar after 10 years. We now have 3 kids but I probably really hurt her chin because we’ve been separated now for 6 years.
* Bonique - A guy in an elevator told me, “Hi, I’m Francis.” I told him, “Hi, I’m married.”
* Shining - On an escalator, A guy told me, “Hi, I’m Jori.” I answered, “Hi, I’m pregnant.”
* TReiz - I hang out at Fullybooked, and I started helping out a girl who was checking out the comics. I asked her, “Anything else?” She answered, “Your number.”
* SPY Shadow - When we were kids, this flirty playmate of mine climbed the ladder up our tree house before me, just to show me her new panties w/ ruffles!
* Hannah - I was on my way to the carpark when streetkids walked towards me to ask for barya. I decided to give them some of the food that I bought, when from behind me, a cute tall guy said “Naku, hindi ka titigilan niyan.” So I told the kids, “Sa kanya nalang kayo manghingi.” The kids started pulling at his clothes to ask money and he playfully ran away. I went to my car, but a few minutes, one of the kids started knocking at my window and said, “Ate ano daw pong name mo. Di daw niya kami bibigyan ng pera pag di mo sinabi.”
* Bottom Dweller - At manang’s carinderia near our office, her daughter serves us. She nags my officemates, but is always sweet to me. I flirt with her because she gives me extra servings.
* Tucci - We are a gay couple. One time, my boyfriend kept flirting with girls. We had a big fight. In tears, he admitted that he was sorry. He told me, “I think I’m straight!”
* Zekidam - Everytime my crush buys prepaid load at my store, I always accidentally hold her soft hands whenever I give her change.
* KiD BuKid - During our company outing in Batangas, my hot supervisor sat on a sea urchin. Of all the men there, she asked lucky me to pee on her thighs, and I also carried her to the aid station. It worked, she later became my girlfriend!
* K9 - In a party, I offered this cute girl some fruit punch. I asked if she liked anything else and she said, “Yeah. The boy who offered me fruit punch.”
* Dana - Hot guy sent me a drink with a note that said: “Love the dress. And hot shoes!” Gay!
* SPY Shadow - Years ago at Rumors, this hot gal intentionally poured her Screwdriver on my pants, then said sorry while wiping it with the hem of her little, tight, black dress!
* Your Highness - It was my 1st time going abroad & this hot seatmate of mine covered both of us w/ her blanket, embraced me almost the whole 9-hr flight to Bahrain, then kissed me when she got off. I never got to know her name.
* Frederique - After my friend asked the waiter to enumerate their specials, I asked about their desserts and he said, “Ma’am, kung sweet ang hanap niyo, eh ako na yun! Wala na kayong hahanapin pa!”
* Maestra - I was with my high school crush and we were still virgins that time. He held my hand for the first time, and I suddenly felt that I peed a little in my undies when his fingers interlocked with mine

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Statements That Reveal Your Real Age (Sent in by Geyp)

* Oliver/Evicat/Kobe Kong/Peter Perfect/Patring - A friend found out that I’m in a band, and she said, “Wow ang galing naman, tumutugtog ka sa combo!”
* GRACiA/Rijo - Two friends and I were talkng over a 3-way telecon, then the guy said, “Ang dami natin. Hello, PARTYLINE?”
* Cute-kikay - When my boyfriend and I were still new, his dad asked him, “So, kumusta naman kayo ng bata mo?”
* Yenz - My boyfriend asked for prmission from his mom that he’s watching Bamboo’s concert. His mom answered, “Alin, Bamboo organ sa Las Piñas?”
* Mikmik Power - Nung 1st salary ko, I treated my mom to Starbucks. When we got there, she told the waiter, “Anak, Blend 45 yung sa akin, ha?”
* Drewbuttercream - If you ask someone, “Mag-on na ba kayo?”
* No name - My boss told me the other day: “Pare, ano yang pinapanood mo? Bold?”
* Makisig - If you want rootbeer but you order, “sarsaparilla”.
* Yñaki - If you call skinny jeans, “baston na stretch”.
* Diemyrus - My mom would tell my dad if he comes home late from work, “O, galing ka na naman sa kalachuchi mo!”
* Jose de vengenge - If you text “LOL” to someone, and they answer, “Ulol ka rin!”
* YñaKì - If someone ask you, “Ano ba ang ‘Flavor of the Month’ ng Magnolia ngayon?”
* RC and Cess - I was watching CSI, when my uncle blurted out, ‘McGyver ba yan?’”
* Guel Mytes - If you’re watching a movie and you ask, “Saan tayo, balcony o orchestra?”
* Buribot - If you blurt out gems like, “Walastik ang trapik!”
* Espeks - If the last org you joined was, “Uncle Bob’s Lucky 7 Club”.
* Garfield - If you’re downloading porn and your friend goes, “Ano ba yan, puro bomba!”
* RC N CESS - My mom was scolding me wen I left the ref open: “Wag mong iniwang bukas ang FRIGIDAIRE!”
* Takleza/Espeks - If you’re meeting up at Glorietta, but your friend says, “Magkita-kita tayo sa Quad!”
* KiD BuKid/Takleza - If you’re bragging about your new flip-flops and you say, “O, ang gara ng step-in kong Havaianas, no?”
* JNL - My friend still says, “Magpa-parlor naman tayo!”
* Awsom - If, after church, may nagyaya sa “Fiesta Karnabal”
* Espeks - If you mean “malling”, but you say, “pagbubulakbol”.
* Cheyenne - If instead of “Hi-five!”, you say, “Give me five!”
* Zane - If you call hookers, “hostess”.
* Hoiram - If you say, “Kain tayo sa Shangri-la, okey ang smorgasbord dun!”
* CnigngNaBngus - If your friend never emails, so you write to him, “Hindi ka na lumiliham, gumamit ka ng makinilya para mabilis.”
* XJ - My wife always refers to the police as “Metrocom”, and she is just 42.
* Gerver - If you say “Kentucky naman tayo!”, instead of KFC.
* MickyPup - If you call commercials, “patalastas”.
* Jose de vengenge - “Ayyy…bakit ayaw na tumayo?”
* Kukay - A friend from the office still refers to SM as “Shoemart”.
* Mermaid - One time I asked my friend “Ano yung PSP, pareho ba yan ng ‘Game and Boy’?”
* Raindancer - If your favorite cartoons is “Herculoids”. (Chico: Damn, Herculoids was really my favorite cartoon as a kid!)
* Espeks - If a girl asks you, “May extra ka bang pasador?”
* Jose de vengenge - When Friendster was still very new, a friend asked me “Marami ka na bang testis?” My mom overheard so she asked, “Anak, at kelan ka naman nagpadagdag ng betlog?”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Signs That You’re A Pervert

* Marcus - When saying goodbye, you say things like, “See Yours!”, “Vagi-now!”, “Babay-again!” and “Titi You Later!”
* Michael Agustin - Back in high school, I was taking a bath when my dad knocked on the door and said, “Anak, kakain na tayo! Mamaya mo na ulit laruin yan.” Takes 1 to know 1. My dad is a pervert too.
* SPY Shadow - Sila yung balik ng balik sa entrance ng building para makapkapan ulit ni Manong guard. At galit pa kung walang malisya ang kapkap nila.
* Bongoloid - You’re a pervert if all the pages of your girly magazines are sticking to each other.
* Jose de vengenge - For girl perverts. Pag nakitulog sa inyo ang hot sexy crush mo, you make him wear your 13-yr-old brother’s butas-butas na shorts para maliit na sa kanya, at may makikita ka pa.
* Jessie - I find it sexy when I see two dogs sniffing butts.
* Enigmatic - I’m a straight guy, but when I’m at the beach, I admire men’s buff bodies. I can’t explain it, but I’m also drawn to men’s nipples.
* Ateh ko - Whenever I see my crush at work, we hug each other. I love it especially wen he hugs me so tight and my breasts are pressed against his sexy chest. Nakakailang, pero I like it.
* No name - Our admin secretary, around 38 years old, sometimes wears high-heeled shoes that has a reflective metal plate in the toe area. I call it her “pasilip” shoes.
* Triggerhappy - You’re a pervert kung after sex, ihi na nga lang ang pahinga, sisilipan mo pa.
* Lebroni - When you talk like Chico and think like Delamar.
* Mr. Perk - If your favorite part of a haircut is the rinsing because someone’s touching your hair and it gives you a different sensation.
* RC N CESS - This topic is very tempting. I’m in a bus going to Cavite. And just about now, girls in PE uniforms just boarded.
* Bottom Dweller - Jon, a friend of mine, has a decade’s worth of Avon underwear brochures.
* Maximo - Pag lagi kang pumupunta sa funeral parlor para tingnan yung mga ine-embalsamong mga hubo’t hubad na bangkay.
* Tim - I have fantasies of our female boss sexually harassing me. She’s fun, hot and my age. So if she’s listening right now, “Ma’am, pramis…hindi ako papalag.”
* Espeks - Kung kembot pa lang ng balakang ng girl, eh umiilaw na ang bombilya mo.
* Yalem - My brother is certified pervert. Whenever I open my personal pc, he puts wallpaper of nude girls. Sa history naman ng websites, lahat porn sites and when I use the keyboard, its always sticky.
* Boobsie 36″ - I’m a female with a size D cup bra. I really couldn’t believe I could suck my own nipples.
* Jose de vengenge - If you know all the top porn sites like youporn, xtube, xlive & iyotube.
* Mr. Hard-Rock Abs - My perversion is to look at guys’ armpits wherever, whenever.
* Espeks - I have a friend who rides the FX and uses his elbow as his main weapon to feel the hot girl beside her.
* Muldr’s Luvr - I think I’m a perv because I always fantasize about doing “it” w/ my young, tall, fresh and good-looking subordinate who has flawless skin and smells good even when he’s sweating. Oops, too much info…sorry.
* KiD BuKid - Perverts’ rooms smell like Clorox!
* Jose de vengenge - Guys please don’t judge me for admitting this ah. I get excited when I read/hear rape stories in the news especially if they’re detailed.
* SUPAH GODDESS - Whenever I see the armpits of John Lloyd Cruz, Jake Cuenca and Richard Gutierrez, oh goodness, I start to have erotic images of them.
* McMaki - If you try to stand close to people so you can sniff how they smell.
* Dox - I can’t eat a banana or sausage without choking at some point.
* Purplerose - You’re a pervert when you stay underwater in a pool for hours even if you can’t swim just to look at the “different” view from below the water.
* Cheyenne - Sila yung mga tuwang-tuwa kapag may baha kasi inaabangan nila yung mga estudyante na naglililis ng kanilang uniform para hindi ito mabasa!
* Marcus - Sarili mong asawa china-chansingan mo in public.
* Your Highness - One sure sign that you’re a pervert is pag laging malagkit ang pusod mo!
* Glioblastoma - When you always have thoughts of having sex inside a balikbayan box.
* Black Coffee - I’m a pervert because whenever I spot a hot sexy girl, sumisikip ang pantalon ko.
* No name - You are a pervert if you have a copy of one of the following not-so-wholesome animated movies: “Snow White Does the Seven Dwarves”, “Beauty Digs the Beast”, and the all-time favorite, “The Loin King”.
* M.E. - My husbnd saves a lot of those porn videos in his phone. I get angry when his phone memory is low because of this. But when he’s asleep, I secretly take a peek at the videos.
* KiD BuKid - If you always fake having sore eyes, so you’ll get away with getting immediate “medication” from the lactating young Moms!
* Diemyrus - If you’re happy when you’re packed like sardines in the MRT.
* No name - Kapag binobosohan mo ang sarili mo.
* ACER - Back in college, we deliberately wear basketball shorts when in a jeepney, and sit a certain way so that when girls in short shorts get on, our knees rub their legs.
* Jose de vengenge - When on a date, ang paalam mo pag iihi ka: “Excuse me, I have to shake hands with a friend of mine who hopes to meet you after dinner..”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Sexperiences

* Bottom Dweller - Guys, there is this sensual massage extra service where you get the hot & cold treatment, where the girl drinks hot tea then cold juice alternately, while giving you a… you-know-what. The hot & cold treatment is called oj-bj, or orange juice b*** j*** in a place along Quezon Ave.
* Arwen - Sobrang dumi ng phone ko yesterday. It was so full of dirty text messages we exchanged the whole day.
* Maximo - Ang pinakamalambot na body part ng bading ay ang kanilang baba? Kasi kahit ilang beses humampas ang baba nila sa itlog, hindi nababasag ang itlog.
* Maximo - Ang pagkain ng mani ay nakakabingi. Nung naipit ulo ko sa hita, natakpan ang mga tenga ko, kaya wala akong marinig.
* JDV - Texts between guwapo and gay. Guwapo: “Love, pa-load naman P100, sex tayo after.” Gay: “0k!” (nagmadaling naghanap ng loading area) Gay: “Na-receive mo na love?” Guwapo: “HU U?”
* JDV/Louise - LOLO: Apo, buhatin mo nga ako. APO: Saan ko po kayo dadalhin, sa toilet o sa kuwarto? LOLO: Hindi, ipatong mo ako sa Lola mo.
* JDV - Pulis: Ilan ang nang-reyp sa ‘yo? Babae: Walo po. Pulis: Alam mo ba mga pangalan nila? Babae: Ay, iisa lang po pangalan nila. Pulis: Ano? Babae: “NEXT” po.
* Cleaver - At a male barkada inuman, we spotted a dog licking his thingy. Amid the laughter, one guy exclaimed, “Siguro dream ng lahat ng guys magawa yan sa sarili!” After he said that, awkward silence.
* Jesse Jude - A farmer lad was walking in the fields with a pretty girl. When they saw a bull mating with a cow, the lad told the girl, “I’d sure like to do what that bull is doing!” The girl answered, “Go ahead, it’s your cow!”
* Spongebob - My then girlfriend and I, did it the first time on a double deck bed with her younger brother sleeping on the upper deck. When things were getting a little rough, her brother woke up, went down the bed and ranto his parents house shouting, “Mama! Lumilindol!!!!”
* Amber - An officemate was talking about her friend’s honeymoon. It was the girl’s 1st time and when the guy got naked and she saw his large member, she got so terrified and started running! The guy chased her in his nakedness, running around the room.
* Dru - Some time ago, while in the throes of passion, my girlfriend blurted out, “Oooh…aaah…let’s get married!” Talk about killing the moment.
* Febkinse - I have a friend who is a medical student, and once they had a patient who went to the ER late at night, because they were stuck together down there.
* Allan - I’m queasy with uncooked food. So when my wife queefed while I was…”down there”…I barfed the dinner I just ate.
* Pandaytira - I was on a summer outing with my officemate-slash-friend with benefits. While chilling and chattng with friends, we were covered with blankets. She reached for my fly, unzipped it, blah blah blah…while talkng to the rest of the gang.
* Draco’s Biatch - For 3 nights, our house was pestered by a pervert caller wanting SOP. When my mom got to answer the phone, he asked her to strip & touch herself. She answered calmly, “Iho, sabayan mo ako, ‘Ama namin, sumasalangit ka…’” That ruined it for the horny caller.
* Ken - When my frend tried “the backdoor” for the first time…the girl fainted at the point of entry!
* Jacq - Mom: Anak, panahon na para pag-usapan natin ang sex. Anak: Uhm, ok. So ano ba gusto niyong matutunan?
* Sicnarf - FYI, in most monasteries of monks & nuns in the country, papaya is served at least once a week.
* No name - A foreigner and a Pinay were on their honeymoon. While doing it, the Pinay got thirsty and said, “Tubig! Tubig!” The foreigner smugly said, “Actually honey, it’s just the normal American size.”
* Dru - 4 years ago, I went out w/ someone for dinner, a movie & mind-blowing sex. When I got out of the shower for round 3, my date was gone…and so was my phone, PDA, wallet & bracelet.
* Scofiled - Giving in to my then future husband on our 10th visit. It must’ve been the japanese-inspired room. Kaya sa pangalawang beses, sumuko na naman ang Bataan.
Amanite - What is a hymen? It is a Thin sheet of flesh, like a membrane, inside a woman’s vajayjay. Its primary purpose is to greet entering penises: “Hi, men!”
* Humdinger - I have a friend who was about to do the “deed”. The girl said, “Hindi puwede, meron ako…” My friend said that’s okay with him. Then when he touched it, ang nakapa niya, bukol! Lalake pala ang loko.
* No name - WRONG SEND OF THE DAY: “Pare, huwag mong kalimutang dalhin yung condom ha? Luv u.”
* Chouji - While we were doing “it”, I heard her cry out in pain. I asked if she was still a virgin, but she answered, “You’re too heavy…”
* YñaKì - Inside a parlor, I overheard this: A ‘matrona’ was asked by the gay parloristas when was the last time she had sex. She answered, “1959!”. “Ang tagal na nun!” they said. The matron replied, “Anong matagal, eh 10:45 pa lang ngayon ah!”
* Tristan - Wife: Sino ‘tong baby na nag-text sa yo? Husband: Lalaki yan! Baby lang ang palayaw. Kumpare ko yan! Wife: Puwes, di raw kayo tuloy ng ‘kumpare’ mo kasi may mens siya!
* Xtinger - Nanay: Diba sabi ko sa yo na pag hinawakan ang boobs mo, say ‘DON’T!’ At pag hinawakan ang pepe mo, say ‘STOP!’. Eh bakit ka nabuntis? Anak: Eh sabay po niyang hinawakan ang boobs at ang pepe, kaya ang nasabi ko, ‘DON’T! STOP!’
* JDV - In bed, gusto ni mister mag hanky-panky with misis. Misis: “Not tonight, I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow, dyahe naman pag may sperm sa loob.” Mister: (long pause) “Eh sa dentist, may appointment ka?”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Grammatical Errors That Gave You A Headache

* No name - A note from an inter-office memo: “Dear sir: w/ reference to my above, please refer to my below.”
* Jose de vengenge - Slogan of Sr. Pedro’s Lechon Manok: “Once tasted, always wanted.”
* Jose de vengenge - In a resort in Rizal: “Not allowed to swim: t-shirt & maong. Allowed to swim: sando & shorts.”
* No name - I went to Vietnam and saw this sign in a resto: “no pay, no delicious”.
* jen70 - “I’m chicken tired of you!” (dahil para akong manok?)
* No name - We were eating squid for dinner and I blurted out, “Guys, who wants my testicles?” (I meant tentacles)
* Kyle - Our boss: “Is Randy is there?”
* Ramiele Malunggay - “When it rains, it’s four!”
* Kage - In a bus terminal near NAIA: “No outsider allowed inside!”
* Jose de vengenge - “So far, so good…so far.”
* Mcsupremy - In our church, pastor Santos was very sick, but all of a sudden, he got better. So the whole church made a banner: “GOD is good. Pastor Santos is better!”
* Goldfish - Every morning our manager would update us. She would always start with, “For your FYI…”
* Russell - Street sign: “Dumb truck, no entry.”
* Yen - My brod sa org told us about his English teacher in HS who said angrily: “Simple follow you cannot instruction, how can you graduation?”
* Cutericme - Friend: “Wat dat?” Me: “Pare, lagyan mo ng ‘S’.” Friend: “Wat dats?”
* Kaliwete Kid - We had a dept outing this weekend. The admin sent an email askng for our shoe sizes. It said: “Attendees will be receiving free fleep flaps.”
* Lie - A boss asked one of his employees: “May I see you pretty soon?” The employee answerd: “Why, don’t you think I’m pretty now?”
* Lie - In a restaurant I overheard a customer ask: “Do you have a specialty?” The waiter answered: “Sorry sir, we only have iced tea.”
* Daisy6 - Melanie Marquez: “Ang tatay ko ang only Living Legend na buhay pa!”
* Joyce - During a beach outing, an officemate said, “Tara, let’s go sand-bathing!”
* Tere - “Well, well, well, look do we have here!”
* Chinky - We once received a message from our scheduler: “I need the death certificates of the following employees: Dennis Cruz, Maryann Fernando, John Aquino.”
* SPY Shadow - Overheard during a dance party. Man: “May I dance?” Woman: “Centerly!”
* No name - Taken from a guard’s log book: “Security supervisor visited my post and passed away after five minutes.”
* No name - “Ang sakit ng MIND GRAIN ko!”
* Twylyt - When my assistant tells a client that she’ll give them feedback, she goes: “Ma’am I’ll feed you back nalang po.”
* No name - “Goats’ for sale” and “Goat,s for sale”.
* JP - “Keep that bear in mind.”
* Techie777 - Actual stuff written in patients’ medical charts in a certain public hostpital: 1. “Discharge status: alive but without permission.” 2. “She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.” 3. “The patient refused autopsy.” 4. “She is numb from her toes down.”
* Gorgeous Bitch - “I don’t give a dumb!”
* Stunnedsilence - A letter envelope w/o return address marked: “Guest who?”
* Evochiq - When I was applying in a call center I heard the front desk ask one of the applicants: “Are you a walk-in applicant?” He answered: “No, I commute!”
* Ivan - “It’s my alma mother.”
* Ginny - “Once in a bloom.”
* The Dark Passenger - At a wedding: “Let’s give them a warm of applause!”
* No name - “I second emotion!”
* Curly - “Ang sakit ng STEEP NECK ko!”
* No name - Sign in a tiangge selling bedroom items: “For sale: BED SHIT.”
* Untamed Swan - A sign in a Korean store: “No chewing cum.”
* Jose de vengenge - In cubao: “This lot not 4 sale. Call 0917

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Maling Akala

* Ms Frecks - Dati, ayokong i-dial ang phone number namin sa bahay kasi akala ko baka makausap ko ang sarili ko.
* Paolo - When I was in elementary, a classmate of mine told me that I had eyebags, so I said “Ha, asan? asan?”
* Candygurl - As a kid, I thought that if I talked in English FLUENTLY w/o muttering a single Filipino word, my hair would go blonde.
* Loipogi - Akala ng maraming tao, kapag paulit-ulit nilang pinress ang elevator button, bibilis ito. Studies show lalo lang bumabagal yung system.
* No name - Akala ko yung Bear Brand galing sa dede ng bear.
* Mayuyulover - Akala ko noong unang panahon black and white ang mundo (kasi yung mga old movies black and white din).
* Cooky - When I was a kid, akala ko pag nireplay yung Ms. Universe sa gabi, iba ang nananalo kesa sa umaga. Kaya lagi ko pinapanood yung sa gabi, hoping Ms. Philippines might win.
* Jedi Mstr - Akala ko dati dalawang tao lang sila “Tito Vic” & “Joey”.
* Jedi Mstr/Scrambledegg - Akala ko dati champoy was made from Chinese boogers.
* Kobang - Akala ko “opisina” ang ibig sabihin nung salitang “kulasisi”, kasi laging sinasabi ng mommy ko sa daddy ko, “O, galing ka naman sa kulasisi mo!”
* Purple - When I was a kid akala ko my mom was Coney Reyes in disguise; that every time she went to work, she was in reality shooting “Coney Reyes on Camera”.
* Jessie - Nung 1998, akala ko si Chico Garcia, yung asawa ni Jean Garcia.
* Eminem - Noong bata pa ako at inosente, akala ko totoong pinipitik ang itlog para maging itlog na pula kasi yun sabi ng uncle ko.
* No name - Akala ng kaibigan kong taga U.P., ang boobs ng girls, isa tubig isa gatas! Kaya daw nililipat ng mom yung baby from one boob to the other para milk then water!
* Taho - When I was a kid akala ko that the U.S. is in the clouds, that’s why people have to ride airplanes to get there.
* No name - Akala ko gusto ko ng girls…yun pala mas gusto ko ang boys.
* KiD BuKid - Nakulong yung taga-kabilang barangay kasi akala niya lubid lang ang napulot niya, yun pala may nakataling baka sa dulo!
* Curt Smith - “Ay hon, sorry! Madilim kasi, akala ko nakatihaya ka, nakadapa ka pala…”
* Ynaki - Akala ko ang tawag sa taong taga-Holland, ay “Holes”, kasi diba pag taga-Poland, “Poles”?
* Jedi Mstr - Akala ko dati, women with firm butts were virgins.
* Jose de vengenge - Akala ko dati nabubuntis din ang bading…pero sa throat.

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten School Quotes

* Jose de Vengenge - Once a classmate was really noisy. Prof: “Mr. Co, alam mo, para kang sperm!” Mr. Co: “Sir bakit po?” Prof: “Ang sarap mong palabasin!”
* Highjumper - In high school, during a quiz, our teacher threatened us:”If I catch any of you cheating…minus 1!”
* Mika - The professor didn’t like the way the students kept looking at the clock. So he wrote this sign beneath it: “Time will pass. But will you?”
* No name - During history class, our teacher asked a classmate: “Do you know Rizal?” Our smart aleck classmate answered, “Ma’am, not personally.”
* Astroboy - “Ang pag-aaral ay parang biyahe…masarap tulugan.”
* Jobellicious - “Ang pag-aaral ang pinto ng tagumpay, pero ang pangongopya ang susi.”
* Athanatos - Our proctor said during an exam: “You can look up for inspiration, you can look down in desperation, but you cannot look sideways for information.”
* Eylek - Our teacher on our first day said, our lesson for today is algebra. Then she asked me: “Alec, what is algebra?” I answered: “Uhm…our lesson for today?”
* Jose de vengenge - When I was in Grade 1, my teacher told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grow up. I wrote down “happy.” She told me:”I don’t think you understand the assignment.” I told her” “I don’t think you understand life.”
* Abe - Work Ed teacher goes: “Class, our project for this week is an ‘eazy dizzy reyjo’ (AC/DC radio).” Also: “Next week, we will make a ‘paper massay giraffy’ (papier mache giraffe).”
* Kdash - An English prof was explaining that like in math, words affect whether the statement is positive or negative. He went on to say that while double negative words make the sentence positive, like in, “That’s not wrong”, the opposite is not true with double positive words, which will always be positive. A classmate said sarcastically, “Yeah, right.”
* Maximo - Teacher: “Class, kung ang ama ang haligi ng tahanan, ano naman ang papel ng ina?” Student: “Ma’am, ang ina po ang nagpapatigas ng haligi ng tahanan.”
Astroboy - “The brain of stupid people have two sides: The LEFT side, where nothing is right, and the RIGHT side where nothing is left.”
* Boknoi - Professor in an exclusive all-female school: “May rice shortage ngayon. Kailangang magtipid. Di niyo ba alam na ang bawat butil ng bigas na kinakain ninyo ay dugo at pawis ng mga magsasaka?” Class: “Eeeeww!!”
* Roms - In high school, a student dance group called “Body Machines” performed. One teacher commented: “Ang galing ng ‘body masins’, para na silang ’street children’!” Translation: “Ang galing ng Body Machines, para na silang Street Boys!”
* Jose de vengenge - Art Teacher: “Ok class, I want you to bring a Vogyu (Vogue) magazine tomorrow.” Me: “Ma’am, it’s Vogue, not Vogyu.” Teacher: “Okay, okay, there’s no need to arg!”
Riverbanks: (student approaches teacher after class) Student: “Titser, ang galing ng nanay ko!” Teacher: “Bakit?” Student: “Tinuturuan niya kami ng kagandahang asal!” Teacher: “Eh di marunong ka gumamit ng PO at OPO?” Student: “Siyempre, tanga ka ba?”
* Roms - My high school English teacher, on a topic about idioms, pronounced “tough luck” as “tow luck” and “rough hug” as “row hug”.
* Shandijossa/Febkinse - My friend’s gay nephew was asked by his teacher: “Bigyan mo ako ng kulay na nagsisimula sa letrang “M”, except maroon.” The nephew answered: “Maitim, maputi, medyo berde, mamula-mula, mamink-mink.” Teacher: “Gago.”
* Dark Passenger - Our Chem prof one time said that the chemical we were studying had a “frothy” odor. We wondered what a “frothy” smell was. Yun pala, yung amoy “frotas” daw.
* No name - Titser: “Who can give an example of a tag question?” Pupil: “My teacher is beautiful, isn’t she?” Titser: “Very gud! Okey, i-tagalog mo naman!” Pupil: “Si ma’am ay maganda, hindi naman, diba?”
* Jose de vengenge - During our swimming class, somebody shouted: “Tulooong! Di ako marunong lumangoy!” Then a bitchy classmate said: “Eh ano naman ngayon? Ako nga di marunong mag-violin, sinisigaw ko ba?”
* Mey - Our biology teacher said in one of our discussions: “The HUMAN BRAIN is the most amazing organ. It functions 24 hours, 365 days. It functions right from the time we were born, and only stops when we…take EXAMS!”
* Loipogi - (to a student sleeping in class) Teacher: “Alam mo naman sigurong you cannot sleep in my class, right?” Student: Alam mo pala eh, kaya bawas-bawasan ninyo ang ingay niyo!”
* Eds: Math Teacher: “Juan, kung may 2 anak ako sa unang asawa, 3 sa pangalawang asawa, at 4 sa pangatlo, meron akong…ano?” Juan: “Kalandian, ma’am! Ang landi niyo ma’am!”
* Georgina - Our teacher barged into the classroom and stated angrily: “Class, walang pasok! Basa ang chalk!”
* Bennett - I read it in a billboard back in high school & it went: “If you fail to prepare, then prepare to fail.”
* SPY Shadow - Our HS class adviser was telling us the importance of having a class picture when my classmate said: “Oo nga, Ma’am, para masasabi natin kunwari, ‘Uy, tamo ‘tong si Andrew ngayon engineer na! Or, ‘Si Lily, ngayon teacher na!’ Or ‘Si George, ngayon piloto na!’” Sabay sabat ng isa pang kaklase: “Or, uy, tignan mo noon si Ma’am o! Ngayon…patay na!”
* Jose de vengenge - In the canteen. ME: “Miss bakit naman ang tagal ng order ko? Ilan ba cook niyo dito?” MISS: “Ayyy ser. Wala pu kaming cuk dito…Pipse lang po! Pipse!”
* Bravo Man - My prof always said: “I only have 2 rules. One, the professor is always right. Two, if the professor is wrong, go back to rule # 1.”
* Lhou Ghin - During one exam, my teacher said: “Cover your papers, or your classmates will copy your wrong answers.”
* Espeks - GURO: “Jun, bakit mo laging nilalawayan ang ulo mo tuwing may klase tayo?” JUN: “Kasi po, narinig ko pong sinabi ni inay kay itay, basain daw ng laway ang ulo pag ayaw pumasok!”
* Joltino’s sister - My math teacher said that we needed a 5×8 index card, and my classmate asked what color should it be. He said: “Any color, basta white!”
* Geyp - The class was so noisy so our teacher shouted with so much anger: “ANG MGA BUNGANGA! BRRRATATATATAT NG BRRRATATATATAT! PARA KAYONG MASHING GUN!”
* RC N CESS - This is my original quote/poem for my ethics class which earned me an UNO: “‘Good is good’ is not good. ‘Bad is not bad’ is not bad. Good is bad, bad is gud. This is good…it ain’t bad.
* Missed - Teacher talking to student: “What do you think is the biggest problem facing the youth now?” Student: “Drugs po.” Teacher: (impressed) “Okey, bakit mo nasabing drugs?” Student: “Ang mahal, eh!”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Fart Moments

* Chrys - I was in a jeep when somebody farted. The conductor said, “yung umutot hindi pa nagbabayad!” Then someone from the back said, “Hindi mo pa nga ako sinusuklian!” Everybody laughed out loud!
* No name - While watching TV, my nephew goes “Hmmm…sarap, amoy itlog!” His older brother goes, “Oops…utot ko yun.”
* No name - Back in high school in the 80’s, my seatmate and I called a silent fart, ” Careless Whisper”. We called a loud one, “Shout”.
* Mulangot - Once we were in a coffee shop, and while the waiter was getting our orders, he said, “We have milk, tea, juice…” Then a loud sound came from behind him, “Pruuooot!” Then he said, “Sorry, that last one is out of stock.”
* Darna - My whole family was watching TV together, when suddenly I farted. It was so bad that my sister reacted, “Ate, tae na yan eh!”
* Mabie-Nge - Back in college, The moment I got home, I let out a deadly silent one. My youngest brother said, ” Wow ate, may uwi kang steak?”
* Idu - I was on a bus and had kabag. I decided to fart to the beat of the loud music. After, I realized I was listening to my ipod.
* No name - While teaching, the teacher sensed that he was about to fart, so he dropped all the books on the table and shouted, “BALELENG!” Problem is, nauna yung bagsak sa utot, so ang sound, “BALELENG! Poooooot!”
* Moron - Naghaharutan sa class, so when the teacher arrived, tumahimik lahat. Then someone poked me sa side, so bigla akong nautot ng malakas. I accidentally blurted out, “Virgin pa kasi ako eh!”
* Bwitching - My husband was in an elevator with one other guy when a stinking utot smell came. The other guy gave him an accusing look. But my husband didn’t fart! Sa inis niya, he blurted to the guy, “Alangan namang maglolokohan pa tayong dalawa dito!”
* Meanestgirlever - My tita arrived in the condo she shared with her college friends. She had a bad stomach so she went straight to the toilet, locked the door, then farted loudly for a whole minute straight. Then she hears whispers from behind the shower curtain. Apparently, her friends were all hiding in the shower to give her a surprise party.
* Amber - My oficemate was at the grocery when she saw her super kulit suitor. She tried to avoid him. Thinking she lost him already, she let out a very deadly fart not realizing he was right behind her. The guy told her, “Ang lupit, tumambay sa ilong!” They’re now married w/ a kid.
* Roo - In school I farted then I had no choice but to apologize because the sound pointed only to me. Later I farted again, but denied it thinking I could blame the 2nd one on somebody else. My friends said, “Paanong hindi ikaw, eh pareho ang amoy!”
* Myles - I saw my mom running to the toilet in small hurried steps. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, “Akala ko’y utot lamang…”
Yñaki - My friend, while courting a girl, suddenly farted that made the girl laugh so loud! Ayun, sa sobrang tawa, lumobo tuloy yung sipon nung girl! In the end, sila rin dalawa ang nagkatuluyan!
* Anjiedy - My hubby was in an office building elevator, when he felt like fartng. He faked a cough to cover the sound. Upon getting off, he heard someone say, “Ano bang ubo yun, amoy utot!”
* Em-em Unggoy - There were no gasoline stations then. On a bus trip to the north we had to stop beside a rice field for bathroom breaks. During one stop, an old lady took a pee in the field, then farted. Somebody blurted out: “Ay, si lola nautot!” She replied: “Ganoon talaga amang, pagkatapos ng ulan, kumukulog.”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Excuses You Hate

* Dru - “I’m not gay, I’m straight. I’m just curious.”
* KiD BuKid - When your sobbing Yaya tells you, “Koya…Ati…uuwi po ako sa probinsya namin kasi namatay na naman yung Lolo ko!”
* Febkinse - When I was in line in a drive-thru, an FX backed up into my car. His excuse: “Akala ko walang kotse sa likod ko.”
Jun13 - Our noisy neighbor’s excuse is: “Kung ayaw niyo ng maingay, dun kayo sa subdivision tumira!”
* No name - Driving home from school, I hit a guy who suddenly darted into the road out of nowhere. As I was driving him to the hospital, he kept saying over and over, “Mayaman ka kasi, mahirap lang ako…”
Enigmaticjehn - Whenever parents say, “Ikaw dapat ang magpaaral sa mga kapatid mo kasi ikaw ang may trabaho!”
* Cheyenne - My daughter’s excuse when I tell her to run errands is: “Ma, sa iba na lang niyo i-utos, may pimples po ako eh!”
* Sunshine - When my mother-in-law says: “Basta sumunod nalang kyo! Dapat kung sino ang matanda, yun ang masusunod!”
* No name - In a relationship, when a partner who was caught cheating says, “Because you’re never there for me! What did you expect me to do?”
* Starex - My boyfriend’s excuse for not writing me love letters: “Kaya nga ako nag engineering kasi ayoko ng sulat-sulat!”
* No name - When my dad was explaining to me why he cheated on my mom, his reason was: “I’m just trying to help your mom to lose weight by giving her a problem.”
* No name - Another piece of crap my dad told me why he cheated on my mom: “I’m diabetic and I wanted to test my manhood.”
* Hyflyer - When a teacher asked: “Alvin, why did you not attend my class yesterday?” Alvin: “Kasi po absent po ako.”
* Rodel - “Malakas ang ulan, nakainom kami pareho, at kapwa sabik sa mga misis namin…”
* Jose de vengenge - Guy: “Sigurado ka ba na ako ang ama nyan?” Girl: “Oo naman! Tatlo na nga ang tinanong ko, eh hindi raw sila!”
* Wishoolicious - The waiter’s excuse when I asked why there was no sisig available in their sisig resto? “Puyat po kami eh…”
* Your Highness - Believe it or not, if you got hit by a car by the “locals” in the Middle East, a common excuse would be” “You see, you would have not met this accident if you just stayed home in your country!”
* Janela - Worst excuse I got from an agent: “I have a doctor’s appointment.” Thing is, her shift is at 10pm!
* SPY Shadow - If your noisy neighbor tells you: “Eh di bumili kayo ng mas malakas na sound system para makaganti kayo sa amin!”
* Loipogi - “It’s the government’s obligation to feed us, provide us clothing, and give us shelter BECAUSE we’re poor!”
* Janice - It was Mother’s day & I was waiting for my husband to at least greet me like he used to during the past Mother’s days. When it was almost midnight, I finally asked him if he won’t greet me at all. He answered, “No, because you’re not my mother.”
* Madstick - I really hate it when public utility drivers, when they get into a traffic accident, use the line: “Sensya na po, tao lang po at nagtratrabaho lang po!”
* Jose de vengenge - One time my mom saw a man peeing outsyd. Mom: “Ano ba yan! Ang liit ng tit* tapos ang daming bulb*l!” LALAKI: “Eh anong gusto mo? Maliit ang bulb*l tapos madaming tit*?”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Bitch Quotes

* Tippi - On the first day of the Mango sale, the sister of my friend was looking around and picked up a dress when a woman at the counter started screaming,”Put that down, that’s mine!” The sister of my friend looked up, looked at the woman up and down, raised an eyebrow, and replied, “Excuse me. You are NOT a ’small’”
* Maximo - A supervisor once told a worker who has difficulty in understanding instructions, “Ang ulo, hindi lang yan pinapatong sa leeg, ginagamit din yan sa pagiisip.”
* Springturns - A friend told another friend, “Naku, magma-makeup muna ako, baka magmukha akong yaya mo.” The other friend replied, “Wag na, magmumukha ka lang yaya ko na naka-makeup.”
* Bennett - I told my then boyfriend during a fight, “Even on your smartest day, you’re not half as smart as I am on my dumbest!”
* Riverbanks - “Ako, I was born beautiful. Ikaw, you were just born.”
* Astroboy - A letter posted on a car windshield in UP: “Sir/madam, the parkng space that we have reserved is for the College Secretary, not for you. Guard.”
* Shining - When I saw friend I haven’t seen in a long time, she told me, “Grabe, lalo ka pang tumaba!” So I told her, “Ikaw din, lalo ka pang pumangit!”
* Eylek - Pag sinisingitan ako sa pila, nagpaparinig ako. I say, “Ang pilang ito, according to beauty. Mga panget muna.”
* Gorgeous Bitch - “Unlike you, tinuruan ako ng mga magulang ko na hindi pumatol sa may asawa.”
* Jose de vengenge - From the movie She’s The Man: “Girls with an ass like mine don’t go out with boys with a face like yours.”
* Joe - “Maliban sa mukha mo, ano pang problema mo?”
* Anfernee - I once told an officemate who kept on bragging about her new shoes, “Sale, right?”
* Pong Pagong - I pointed a “7 items or less” sign to a clueless pasosyal at the supermarket. She bitchily answered, “I can read!” Sabay irap. So I shot back with, “I know, but can you count?”
* Astroboy - “Tuwing nakikita kita, gusto ko mag-sorry sa eyes ko.”
* Dru - “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be bitchy. It’s an involuntary reaction whenever I encounter ugly people.”
* Astroboy - Man: “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” Woman: “Do not enter.”
* Astroboy - Man: “how do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman: “Unfertilized.”
* Aeon- After receiving her pay slip and realizng how much she’s paying for tax, a sosyal officemate exclaimed, “Ang mga poor ba nagbabayad din ng tax?”
* Riverbanks - During a hike at Mt. Mayon, we had a maarte companion. When we ran out of water, our guide got us some from a ntural spring. The maarte girl said, “Dini-drink ba yan?” I told her, “Bakit, sa inyo ba ang water chinu-chew?”
* Noel - Overheard from 2 kids talking. Kid 1: “Lahat tayo galing kay Adam and Eve.” Kid 2: “Hindi yan totoo. Sabi ng papa ko, galing tayo sa unggoy.” Kid 1: “Hindi natin pinag-uusapn ang pamilya mo, kaya wag kang magulo!”
* Loipogi - A friend told his officemate: “I’m impressed. I’ve never encountered such a small mind inside such a big head before.”
* Pachuchay - Bading: (envying a girl na crush ng crush nya) “Isang butas lang ang lamang mo sa kin!”
* ACER - I was staring at an ugly bystander in their street. The ugly guy snapped, “Bakit ang sama mo makatingin?” I snapped back, “Eh bakit ang sama mo tignan?”
* Persh - A friend once told me, “Ang ganda mo!” I answered: “Thank you, sana ikaw rin…”
* Jose de vengenge - I told this to an ex: “I must admit you brought religion to my life. I never believed in hell till I met you.”
* Gorgeous Bitch - “When a cashier tells me she doesn’t have change, I say: “And…kaninong problema yun?”
* Em-em Unggoy - “Kung lahat ng tao galing sa unggoy, bakit ikaw, mukha kang kabayo?”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Seatmate/Katabi Moments - Xmas Child

* Jaja - True story of my tita. She was so heartbroken because she was pregnant & her boyfriend didn’t marry her. She decided to go to the US to start anew. She kept crying on the plane, & her seatmate helped her not only to get through the flight, but also her life. They’ve been married for more than 40 years now.
* Seb - I was waiting for my girlfriend in the car. Another car pulled up with 4 of the most gorgeous guys. They started taking off their clothes with the doors open. I didn’t tell na my girlfriend coz she might think I’m gay. Yuck.
* Jun13 - During exam, my seatmate, in a very l0ud v0ice, asked the other clasmate: “HOY, ANO SAGOT SA #3!”, n0t realizing he was wearing earph0nes.
* Mark - I had a seatmate nung grade school na na-ihi sa upuan, pero he denied na ihi yung “puddle of water” na nasa seat niya. Sabi niya, “natap0n lang yung c0leman ko…”
* Bennet - In school, I put my bag in the empty seat next to me. When my ballpen ran out of ink, without looking, I reached for the bag’s zipper, opened it, then rummaged inside for my pen. Only to realize that a male classmate already put my bag down and was already sitting in the chair.
* Marcus - My wife and I watched Magnifico and beside was a burly maton with a bunch of his friends. They were noisy and rowdy. By the middle of the movie, they were silent, and by the end I could actually hear him sniffling. On the way out I heard him say to one of his friends, “Pare, sang part ka bumigay?”
* Alle - During Bible study, my seatmate prayed over me and said with all the passion in the world, “Jesus, get out of this man!!!” I had to whisper, “‘Tol, pinapalayas mo si Jesus…” He countered, ” Ay mali! Oh my God, sorry Jesus, come back! Come back!”
* Kresha - During summer, never ride in the middle section of an fx with aircon na mahina, and never sit beside a huge guy coz you’ll surely feel his sweaty arms.
* Vi - We had an annoying busmate who always made it a point to count her money in front of all the people in the bus.
* Kibble - I was writing a note that I was going to pass to my crush that was supposed to say, “I’m hungry”. But I wasn’t finished yet, when the teacher called me. I panicked and passed the unfinished note to my crush. She read it, then shot me an angry look. Apparently, all I was able to write was, “I’m hung”.
* Geyp - My seatmate had roughly around 90 ballpens. But we can never borrow, not even one. Ginagawa niya kasi yung spaceship!
* Jose de vengenge - In my english class. Seatmate: “Ma’am may I go out?” Teacher: “Why?” Seatmate: “Umm.. Because father mother me!” Teacher: “What?” Seatmate: “Ma’am, tata ina ako!”
* Jose de vengenge - One time I heard a kikay seatmate jokingly prayed this way: “In the name of the powder and of the blush-on and of the glossy lipstick.. SALAMEN.”
* No name - When I was in college I would always pray for a less attractive girl to be my seatmate. Because in those days, di pa uso ang “trimming”. So whenever may katabi akong hot girl, it’s like torture kasi pag bigla akong pinatayo, “nasasabunutan” ako.
* Ynaki - I’ll never forget this jeepney seatmate, with bleeding hands under his shirt, that when the passengers checked if he’s badly hurt, we were shocked to see severed fingers with rings still on them. It appeared that he’s a holdupper who’s on the run!
* Jedi Mstr - Pedro: “Blanko ang papel ko.” Juan: “Ako din blanko!” Pedro: “Naku, baka isipin ni ma’am nagkopyahan tayo!”
Jose de vengenge - Two gays magkatabi sa pool. Maya-maya, may lumutang na condom. One gay said to the other: “Girl, umutot ka?”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Last Words Of A Virgin

* Maximo/Design8ed Driver/Ronwaldo/Manoy/Abel - Inside a bus, a bunch of armed men went onboard and said at gunpoint: Holdaper: “Lahat ng babae gagahasain!” Young Girl: “Maawa na po kayo! Reypin niyo na lahat, wag lang ang lola ko!” Lola: “Che! Epal tong batang to! Di mo ba siya narinig, lahat daw rereypin! LAHAT!”
* Tcams - “Pare wag…wag yan…may lotion sa drawer…”
* Atty Cabs - “Hep, hep, sabi mo hahawakan ko lang?”
* Jamfong - Holdaper: “Holdap to!” Girl: “SAKL0L0! Rape! Raaape!” Holdaper: “Teka, bakit rape? Ang sabi ko holdap to!” Girl: “Eto naman…nagsu-suggest lang naman…”
* MNEMONIC - Sa mga old maid na about to do it, bagay ang kantang: “Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, pilit binubuksan ang sarado ko ng pu…”
* Alem - “Dont! Stop! Dont! Stop! Don’t stop…don’t stop…”
* Rogie - Girl: “Idedemanda kita ng 2 counts of rape!” Boy: “Bakit 2 counts? Eh isang beses lang naman kita ginalaw ah!” Girl: “Ay bakit, hindi na ba tayo uulit?”
* Mr. Perk - “Free taste! Free taste, po!”
* MMR - THOUGHT FOR TODAY: “Do not worry about avoiding sexual temptations. As you get older, they start avoiding you.”
* Bottom dweller - “Huwag! Huwag! Hayup ka! Tarantado! Taran…taran…taraaaaap!”
* Sc - “Sabi mo parang kagat lang ng langgam…masarap pala kumagat ang langgam…”
* Dru - “Wag po, koya! Di ako si Enday! Si Dodong aku!”
* Jun13 - “Puwede daliri ko muna gamitin ko, for practice?” (A sushi virgin, about to eat sushi for the very first time trying to use chopsticks.)
* No name - A girl was so quiet on her wedding night that the next day, her family asked why she was so silent. The girl answered, “Eh diba sabi niyo, don’t talk when your mouth is full?”
* Ynaki - “Come and get it, walang pangit sa virging galit!”
* Jose de vengenge - Girl: “Ako ba ang unang babaeng dinala mo dito?” Boy: “Oo naman, dati kasi puro lalaki…”
* Rogie - Koya: “Di mo sinabi sa kin…first time mo pala?” Yaya: “Hende po koya, elong ko yan…”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Things To Say To A Stinky Person

* Alaric - “Amoy kang paa na binabad sa baha, na tinuyo sa pilit, habang nasa loob ng sapatos na may amag na bulok!”
* Geyp - “Sana pag sinasabi mong may ‘asim’ ka pa, sana hindi yung literal…”
* Valkira - “Wow, yung amoy mo nambubugbog ng kulangot!”
* Pink Strawberry - “I know what you ate last summer.”
* The Designated Driver - “Dahil sa yo, na-confirm ko na magkarugtong nga ang puwet at ang bibig!”
* No name - From our P.E. teacher: “Uy, nangangalmot ang amoy mo ha!”
* Rodel - “Pare, sino pa yung presidente nung huling ligo mo?”
* No name - “Ang bangis ng amoy mo, tumatambay sa ilong! Nagdiya-diyaryo na, nagkakape pa!”
* No name - Man 1: “Pare, umutot ka?” Man 2: “Hindi, nag-burp lang.”
* Pabzpogi - “May kaamoy kang artista…si Smellany Marquez!”
* Jose de vengenge - “Uy pare hulaan ko fave song mo! ‘Insensitive’. Eh sakin hulaan mo. ‘Barely Breathing’.”
* Athanatos/Gibo - “Ang breath mints mo ba ay ‘the seven dwarves’? Paki check nga, parang patay na yung isa…”
* JB - “Pare, ipagmalaki mo yang putok mo, pinagpawisan mo yan eh!”
* Loipogi/Guelmytes/Hanazawa Rui/Fat One - After someone burps: “Hulaan ko ulam mo kanina…hmmm…ebak?”
* Astroboy - “Daig ng hininga mo ang utot ko!”
* Jet - “Miss, anong shampoo mo, ‘Gee Your Hair Smells’?”
* SPY Shadow - “Alam ko ang favorite band ng kilikili mo — Garbage!”
* Geyp - “Para kang labanos…maputi, pero amoy utot.”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Signs That You’ve Found Your One True Love - Princess Alex

* Jill - When you find romance in the routine.
* Grace - Despite all the new technology, he still sends me snail mail; he’s been doing that for the past 4 years.
* Mockbuster - He leaves skid marks in his undies all the time, but you wash them anyway.
* Scuderia - When you’d rather not sleep because reality is far better than your dreams.
* No name - I’m married. Met another woman. Fell madly in love and had a 2-1/2 yr affair. My wife told me to do what I needed to, to be happy. Ended affair. My wife, my one true love.
* GeLengZan - I married the man who is the exact opposite of everything I thought I wanted in a man.
* Doorknob - When you hear the word, “home”, what comes to mind is not a place, but that person.
* Mockbuster - After 8 years of being together, I still find myself smiling just by looking at him.
* No name - If he’s your strength AND your weakness.
* Maynman - When you buy Chickenjoy and your first instinct is to give her the crispy skin. When that happened to me and I gave it to her, I was shocked myself!
* Hapihenri - When you found someone you never thought you always wanted.
* Kobe Kong - The moment I saw her, I instantly knew that I won’t be spending my life alone and unhappy.
* Estranged - If you find yourself compromising your dreams just so he could achieve his.
* Dongster - If she still loves you even if you used to work as a “reflexologist”.
* TReiz - When you’ve met someone who infuriates you, yet you can’t stop thinking about them.
* SPY Shadow - If, when you showed him your picture when you were still a man, and he nonchalantly answered, “So?”
* Mr. Perk - Pag sinabi na niyang, “Pare, iiwan ko na si Mare.”
* Dru - If a certain female DJ outs you on national radio, but you really don’t mind because having him in your life was so worth all the embarrassment.
* Estrellita - If he makes you feel like you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, even if you’re not.
* Jose de vengenge/Geyp - Love sucks. True love swallows.

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Things To Say To A Hot Guy/Girl With A Really Ugly Girlfriend/Boyfriend

* Mangjose - “Pare, mahilig ka pala sa abstract…”
* Specialist - “Ay…lugi…”
* Billybaggins/Raymond - “Tale as old as time…”
* Lady Snowblood - “Pare, ba’t may ka-holding hands ka na lalaki?”
* Geyp - “Tamang-tama miss! Kamukha mo si Heidi Klum…at kamukha naman niya si Seal!”
* Loipogi - “Sabi ko na nga ba eh, mahilig ka sa inner beauty.”
* Dexter - “Uy, hindi pa pala extinct yung ganyan?”
* Missy Ricat/Techie 777 - “Idol mo si Andrew E. kaya ka humanap ng pangit?”
* Lady Snowblood - “Pare ilegal yan, i-surrender mo na yan sa DENR!”
* Xmas Child - “Masarap siya siguro magmahal, no?”
* Loipogi - “Miss, hindi pa ba nagbabayad ng ransom ang mga relatives m0″
* Blair - “Ikaw naman, nung sinabihan kitang be kind to animals, hindi naman ganyan!”
* Dongster - “Magkano inabot?”
* Atoy - “Uy, ang cute! Anong breed?”
* Jose de vengenge - Aba, aba, aba, tru lab nga!”
* Dru - “Wow, ang sarap i-photoshop!”
* GuelMytes - “Let me guess, mahaba ang dila niya, noh?”
* Jesse Jude - “Sabi ko na nga ba, katawan lang ang habol mo eh!”
* Banatero - “Wow, ang sarap ng girlfriend mo…ang sarap sampalin!”
* Astroboy - “Hoy, mag-sorry ka sa mga mata ko!”
* Dru - “You know, it’s unethical for a doctor to date his patients, especially if you’re a vet.”
* Doc Carlo - “Pare, ano siya, mabait o mayaman?”
* Hazelnut - “Wow pare, naks, kamukha ni anne curtis ang girlfriend mo ah…sa kapanerang kuba…”
* Toe Thinker - “Wow, mukha palang ulam na! Ulam na panis!”
* Aileen - “Hindi ka na ba naawa sa mga magiging anak niyo?”
* Rodel - “Pare, Pinoy ka! Pinoy ka! Anong akala mo sa sarili mo, foreigner?”
* Agnes - “Nangangagat? Pwedeng hawakan?”
* Denxio Batuta - “Pare, minsan try mo din yung tao…”
* Kookie - “Pare, magiging swan ba yan sa ending?”
* Ellen - “Dad! Bilis! Tignan mo yung dala nung mama! Bilis, bigyan mo ng saging!”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Wedding Moments

* Jose de vengenge - Priest to bride: “Men want to marry their moms. So they can continue to behave like children.”
* Jose de vengenge - Bride to a friend: “Choose your wife carefully. After all, this is the face you’ll be looking at in divorce court.”
* Jose de vengenge - A woman in church talking to a friend: “My husband & I divorced over religious diffrences. He thought he was God…I didn’t.
* Scrambledegg - “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking: It’s called marriage.”
* Hoiram - For my parent’s Golden Wedding anniversary (50th), in lieu of registering them in Rustan’s, my brother had them registered in Mercury Drug and posted their maintenance medicines for high blood and blood sugar as gifts.
* Northeast - When our parents celebrated their 50th anniversary, during their renewal of vows, my father said: “There’s nothing to renew as our vows have never been broken.”
* Otso - My best man on our wedding said: “May the best of your past be the worst of your future.”
* Josie - My uncle’s speech during my orphan niece’s wedding: “The groom seems to be the luckiest man in the world. You know why? Because he has no mother-in-law.”
* Dru - A friend was so petrified by our very strict boss that on her wedding day, she got married in the morning, went to the office in the afternoon, then flew off to their honeymoon after work.
* Shenzumi - The “unwedding” of the year in my family happened to my cousin. He broke it off w/ his girlfriend of 6 years, a mere week before the wedding, when everything was canceled, catering, entourage clothes, etc. And the reason: they couldn’t agree on the motif. Plus…he realized that he is gay.
* Febkinse - Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s formality, just like two boxers, shaking hands before the fight begins.
* Zyra - I witnessed a wedding where the groom didn’t want to have his picture taken. The bride’s relatives were begging for him to at least look at the cameras. The bride was on the verge of crying. I heard it was pikot.
* Jules - “When in doubt, postpone.”
* Winch - My frend’s name is Tess and her groom is named V0n. So the priest would always say, “V0n, Tess…” We were laughing like anything because Tess really was v0ntess at the time.
* Billie - It’s a bittersweet thing kn0wng that our eldest sister d0esn’t plan to get married, so we have to pay her a d0wry if we ever wanted to get hitchd. I fear for my wallet if my ate decides to stay a spinster.
* Astroboy - Drunk: “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we got married.”
* Astroboy - Same drunk: “Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.”
* Astroboy - My dad to my m0m on their 25th anniversary: “Kung nagpakul0ng na lang sana ako nun, sa 20th year palang laya na sana ako.”
* Purplish Jen - A girl I know and her boyfriend for 10 years broke up because the guy entered the priesthood. Years after, the girl got married & the priest who officiated the weding was her ex.
* Blair - My husband’s best man said during his toast: “A best man’s speech should be proportionate to the groom’s penis. So, I thank you all for coming, and good night.” Funny speech. But later that night, I proved otherwise…

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Onli In Da Pilipins

* Scrambledegg/Loi Pogi - Sa Pinas, iisa lang ang ibig sabihin ng sumusunod: “bisexual”, “metrosexual”, straight-curious”, “str8-tripper”, at “swinger” — mga baklang daig pa ang itik sa kembot ng balakang.
* Awsom - Ang kudeta, pinapanood na parang concert ng mga tao.
* Bobidax - There’s a sign in Bulacan, “Lahat ng kakaliwa, lumagi sa kanan”.
* Shigella/Sid/Toink! - We have a full sentence composed of repating just one 1 syllable: “Bababa ba?”
* Maximo/Pinay Goddess - Dito lang nakakamatay ang kantang, “My Way”.
* Brics/Sydney - Every Pinoy clan has a “Tito Boy” and a “Tita Baby”.
* Gorgeous Bitch - Dito lang may kurtina ang mga sasakyan.
* Amber - Duktor na, nagnu-nurse pa, kasi mas malaki ang bayad.
* Yelly - Pedestrians crossing a majoy highway or expressway.
* Blue/Scrambledegg - Lahat ng artista gustong mag politiko, lahat ng politiko gustong mag-artista.
* Rodel - We are all hermaphrodites because wherever you go, regardless of gender, you will be referred to as “mamser”.
* Supremo - In da Pilipins, motorcyles and pedicabs are exempted from traffic rules.
* Windburn - A senator named JOKER, and a cardinal named SIN.
* Migokyla - In this country, slow cars stay on the leftmost lane, while fast cars overtake on the right lane.
* Bobidax - Dito lang sa Pinas inuulam ang spaghetti sa rice.
* Bebang - You see signs like, “Bawal homawak ang hendi bebeli. Kung ekaw ay bebeli malaya kang pomeli.”
* Doorknob - We have doorbell names: Bing, Bong, Ding, Dong, Ping, Pong, Ting, Ging, Kring-kring.
* Sayuri - Dito nalang pwede mag-concert ang The Letterman, The Platters, Air Supply, etc, kahit mga lolo na sila.
* Cheyenne - Here, your in-laws’ visit can last 5 years!
* No name/Mulangot - We Filipinos point with our lips. Funny thing is, the farther the object is, the longer our lips become.
* Major Ganda - Here, the stinkiest areas are those right under the signs, “Bawal umihi dito” and “Bawal magtapon ng basura dito”.
* Ynaki- The Pinoy Christmas season begins in September and ends on Valentines.
* Sayuri - Walls, corners, car doors and wheels are used as urinals.
* Mr. Perk - Here, especially when commuting, you wear your backpack, in front.
* Leitox - Where you can find people na binagyo at binaha na, nakangiti pa rin at kumakaway pag dinaanan ng camera.
* Maynman - Squatters who put up “No Tresspassing” signs on their “property”.

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Ways To Explain The Birds And The Bees To Kids

* Louise - “Anak, alam mo, ganito yun. Si Daddy, may uod. Si Mommy, may lupa. Pag inuod ang lupa, magbubunga. Ikaw yun.”
* GeLengZan - Every time my mom ask what’s wrong with me, my 12-yr-old daughter replies, “Kulang sa SEX.”
* Hanazawa Rui - “Si mommy may sakit. Madalas siya mag-bleed. Nag-inject si daddy ng gamot. Nawala yung bleeding, kaya lang may side effect: ikaw.”
* Maximo - “Para lang yan mga workers, labas-pasok sa trabaho. After 9 months, lalabas ang fruit of their labors.”
* Dru - “Pag itong okra naging talong, tapos inipit mo siya sa sariwang repolyo, may lalabas na togue at dagta.”
* The Design8d Driver - “Anak, si mommy may bibingka. Si daddy naman may itlog na maalat. Pag pinatong ni daddy yung itlog niya sa bibingka ni mommy, magiging ’special’ na ito.”
* Maximo - “Si mommy kasi, kain ng kain ng hotdog. Kaya ayan, lumaki ang tiyan niya sa sobrang busog.”
* Roni - “Ang mommy mo kasi, nag-pakwan. Ayun, nabuntis! Kaya ikaw, wag kang magpa-pakwan!
* KiD BuKid - “It’s when the girl should’ve said ‘NO! DON’T! STOP, NOW!’ to her boyfriend. But she ended up saying, ‘No, don’t stop now!’”
* Mr. Perk - “Yun yung gusto pa gawin ni Lola, pero hindi na kaya ni Lolo.”
* Dru - “Imagine a beautiful flower, blossoming in the early sun, moist with morning dew, petals swaying slowly in the wind. Now, imagine a penis and a vagina next to it…”
Mockbuster - When my officemate’s 6-year-old son asked her how he got into her tummy, she told him that his daddy pushed him in. When her son asked how his daddy pushed, she answered, “Hard, and over and over and over…”
* Espeks - “Ewan, basta tinuruan ako ng mommy mo na kumain ng pechay…”
* Maximo - “Pag yung kalbo, dumura sa loob ng tiyan ng mommy mo.”
* Jose de vengenge - “Yan yung pag kinukudkod ni papa ang niyog ni mama.”
* Cheyenne - “Just like what Don McLean sang, it’s when Daddy’s sweet fishes comes in your Mommy’s lovelake!”
* Maximo - When a kid caught his parents in the act, the parents tried to explain. Dad: “Anak, ipinapasok ko lang yung ‘kotse’ ko sa loob ng garahe ni mommy.” Kid: “Dad, ipasok mo pa ng mabuti kasi nakalabas pa yung dalawang gulong sa likod.”
* Purplerose - “Yun yung ginagawa ni mommy at daddy pagkatapos nila mag-away.”
* Aston martin- “Naglalaro kami ng horsey-horsey kaya ayun, nagka pony kami!”
* Geyp - “As the saying goes, “Love sucks, but true love swallows!”
* Maverick/Ian024 - “Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restroom of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad’s memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we did not use a firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del

The Top Ten Last Words Of A Virgin

* Maximo/Design8ed Driver/Ronwaldo/Manoy/Abel - Inside a bus, a bunch of armed men went onboard and said at gunpoint: Holdaper: “Lahat ng babae gagahasain!” Young Girl: “Maawa na po kayo! Reypin niyo na lahat, wag lang ang lola ko!” Lola: “Che! Epal tong batang to! Di mo ba siya narinig, lahat daw rereypin! LAHAT!”
* Tcams - “Pare wag…wag yan…may lotion sa drawer…”
* Atty Cabs - “Hep, hep, sabi mo hahawakan ko lang?”
* Jamfong - Holdaper: “Holdap to!” Girl: “SAKL0L0! Rape! Raaape!” Holdaper: “Teka, bakit rape? Ang sabi ko holdap to!” Girl: “Eto naman…nagsu-suggest lang naman…”
* MNEMONIC - Sa mga old maid na about to do it, bagay ang kantang: “Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, pilit binubuksan ang sarado ko ng pu…”
* Alem - “Dont! Stop! Dont! Stop! Don’t stop…don’t stop…”
* Rogie - Girl: “Idedemanda kita ng 2 counts of rape!” Boy: “Bakit 2 counts? Eh isang beses lang naman kita ginalaw ah!” Girl: “Ay bakit, hindi na ba tayo uulit?”
* Mr. Perk - “Free taste! Free taste, po!”
* MMR - THOUGHT FOR TODAY: “Do not worry about avoiding sexual temptations. As you get older, they start avoiding you.”
* Bottom dweller - “Huwag! Huwag! Hayup ka! Tarantado! Taran…taran…taraaaaap!”
* Sc - “Sabi mo parang kagat lang ng langgam…masarap pala kumagat ang langgam…”
* Dru - “Wag po, koya! Di ako si Enday! Si Dodong aku!”
* Jun13 - “Puwede daliri ko muna gamitin ko, for practice?” (A sushi virgin, about to eat sushi for the very first time trying to use chopsticks.)
* No name - A girl was so quiet on her wedding night that the next day, her family asked why she was so silent. The girl answered, “Eh diba sabi niyo, don’t talk when your mouth is full?”
* Ynaki - “Come and get it, walang pangit sa virging galit!”
* Jose de vengenge - Girl: “Ako ba ang unang babaeng dinala mo dito?” Boy: “Oo naman, dati kasi puro lalaki…”
* Rogie - Koya: “Di mo sinabi sa kin…first time mo pala?” Yaya: “Hende po koya, elong ko yan…”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del