The Top Ten Sexperiences

* Bottom Dweller - Guys, there is this sensual massage extra service where you get the hot & cold treatment, where the girl drinks hot tea then cold juice alternately, while giving you a… you-know-what. The hot & cold treatment is called oj-bj, or orange juice b*** j*** in a place along Quezon Ave.
* Arwen - Sobrang dumi ng phone ko yesterday. It was so full of dirty text messages we exchanged the whole day.
* Maximo - Ang pinakamalambot na body part ng bading ay ang kanilang baba? Kasi kahit ilang beses humampas ang baba nila sa itlog, hindi nababasag ang itlog.
* Maximo - Ang pagkain ng mani ay nakakabingi. Nung naipit ulo ko sa hita, natakpan ang mga tenga ko, kaya wala akong marinig.
* JDV - Texts between guwapo and gay. Guwapo: “Love, pa-load naman P100, sex tayo after.” Gay: “0k!” (nagmadaling naghanap ng loading area) Gay: “Na-receive mo na love?” Guwapo: “HU U?”
* JDV/Louise - LOLO: Apo, buhatin mo nga ako. APO: Saan ko po kayo dadalhin, sa toilet o sa kuwarto? LOLO: Hindi, ipatong mo ako sa Lola mo.
* JDV - Pulis: Ilan ang nang-reyp sa ‘yo? Babae: Walo po. Pulis: Alam mo ba mga pangalan nila? Babae: Ay, iisa lang po pangalan nila. Pulis: Ano? Babae: “NEXT” po.
* Cleaver - At a male barkada inuman, we spotted a dog licking his thingy. Amid the laughter, one guy exclaimed, “Siguro dream ng lahat ng guys magawa yan sa sarili!” After he said that, awkward silence.
* Jesse Jude - A farmer lad was walking in the fields with a pretty girl. When they saw a bull mating with a cow, the lad told the girl, “I’d sure like to do what that bull is doing!” The girl answered, “Go ahead, it’s your cow!”
* Spongebob - My then girlfriend and I, did it the first time on a double deck bed with her younger brother sleeping on the upper deck. When things were getting a little rough, her brother woke up, went down the bed and ranto his parents house shouting, “Mama! Lumilindol!!!!”
* Amber - An officemate was talking about her friend’s honeymoon. It was the girl’s 1st time and when the guy got naked and she saw his large member, she got so terrified and started running! The guy chased her in his nakedness, running around the room.
* Dru - Some time ago, while in the throes of passion, my girlfriend blurted out, “Oooh…aaah…let’s get married!” Talk about killing the moment.
* Febkinse - I have a friend who is a medical student, and once they had a patient who went to the ER late at night, because they were stuck together down there.
* Allan - I’m queasy with uncooked food. So when my wife queefed while I was…”down there”…I barfed the dinner I just ate.
* Pandaytira - I was on a summer outing with my officemate-slash-friend with benefits. While chilling and chattng with friends, we were covered with blankets. She reached for my fly, unzipped it, blah blah blah…while talkng to the rest of the gang.
* Draco’s Biatch - For 3 nights, our house was pestered by a pervert caller wanting SOP. When my mom got to answer the phone, he asked her to strip & touch herself. She answered calmly, “Iho, sabayan mo ako, ‘Ama namin, sumasalangit ka…’” That ruined it for the horny caller.
* Ken - When my frend tried “the backdoor” for the first time…the girl fainted at the point of entry!
* Jacq - Mom: Anak, panahon na para pag-usapan natin ang sex. Anak: Uhm, ok. So ano ba gusto niyong matutunan?
* Sicnarf - FYI, in most monasteries of monks & nuns in the country, papaya is served at least once a week.
* No name - A foreigner and a Pinay were on their honeymoon. While doing it, the Pinay got thirsty and said, “Tubig! Tubig!” The foreigner smugly said, “Actually honey, it’s just the normal American size.”
* Dru - 4 years ago, I went out w/ someone for dinner, a movie & mind-blowing sex. When I got out of the shower for round 3, my date was gone…and so was my phone, PDA, wallet & bracelet.
* Scofiled - Giving in to my then future husband on our 10th visit. It must’ve been the japanese-inspired room. Kaya sa pangalawang beses, sumuko na naman ang Bataan.
Amanite - What is a hymen? It is a Thin sheet of flesh, like a membrane, inside a woman’s vajayjay. Its primary purpose is to greet entering penises: “Hi, men!”
* Humdinger - I have a friend who was about to do the “deed”. The girl said, “Hindi puwede, meron ako…” My friend said that’s okay with him. Then when he touched it, ang nakapa niya, bukol! Lalake pala ang loko.
* No name - WRONG SEND OF THE DAY: “Pare, huwag mong kalimutang dalhin yung condom ha? Luv u.”
* Chouji - While we were doing “it”, I heard her cry out in pain. I asked if she was still a virgin, but she answered, “You’re too heavy…”
* YñaKì - Inside a parlor, I overheard this: A ‘matrona’ was asked by the gay parloristas when was the last time she had sex. She answered, “1959!”. “Ang tagal na nun!” they said. The matron replied, “Anong matagal, eh 10:45 pa lang ngayon ah!”
* Tristan - Wife: Sino ‘tong baby na nag-text sa yo? Husband: Lalaki yan! Baby lang ang palayaw. Kumpare ko yan! Wife: Puwes, di raw kayo tuloy ng ‘kumpare’ mo kasi may mens siya!
* Xtinger - Nanay: Diba sabi ko sa yo na pag hinawakan ang boobs mo, say ‘DON’T!’ At pag hinawakan ang pepe mo, say ‘STOP!’. Eh bakit ka nabuntis? Anak: Eh sabay po niyang hinawakan ang boobs at ang pepe, kaya ang nasabi ko, ‘DON’T! STOP!’
* JDV - In bed, gusto ni mister mag hanky-panky with misis. Misis: “Not tonight, I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow, dyahe naman pag may sperm sa loob.” Mister: (long pause) “Eh sa dentist, may appointment ka?”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del