The Top Ten Guard Moments - Raez

* Chi - One time in Eastwood City there was a rock concert. A couple of teenagers in punk outfits were stopped by the guard. He told them, “Bawal kayu ditu mga julugs!”
* Jam - One time I asked a guard, “Manong may toilet ba dito sa first floor?” He said, “Meron.” When I asked, “Saan po?” He answered, “Sa taas.”
* Evilinsyd - Once pingilan ako ng guard sa office dahil hinahanap daw ako ni “pete soliban”. So napatigil ako dahil wala akong kilalang ganun. Yun pala si “Faith Sullivan”.
* Jose de vengenge - I asked the guard where the lab room was. He said: “Nakikita mo yang corner na yan sa kaliwa? Kumanan ka dyan.” I asked, “Nandun yun lab?” He answered: “Hindi, may isa pang guard dun. Sa kanya mo itanong.”
* SPY Shadow - There was this ‘matrona’ who got mad at the hotel security guard. Kasi, he thoroughly frisked all the people entering the establishment except the old lady. So the ‘matrona’ said “Unfair ka! Hindi ko naman sinabi sa ‘yo na ayaw ko’ng magpakapkap ah!”
* Raez - Slogan of the army: “no guts, no gl0ry”; the police: “no pain, no gain”; the navy: “no retreat, no surrender”; the guards: “no ID, no entry”.
* StarSky - I was at the MRT station, and the guard asked me what’s in my case. I opened my poker set and she said, “Ano yan, bingo?” I said, “Hindi po, poker po.” The guard next to her asked what it was, and she said, “Bingo.”
* SC - One time we asked a guard where the nearest McDo was. He gave us instructions, but when we followed them, wala naman. We went back to the guard and told him his directions were wrong, and all he said was, “Bago lang ako dito.”
* Empog - Once it was raining and once I got to school, I slipped and hit my head on the floor. There I was, flat on the floor, with my head bleeding, and the guard who saw everything, asked me, “Nadulas ka?”
* Miming - Back in my elementary days, one of the guards reported us to his superior because we did something bad. He said over the walkie-talkie, “Sir, binutas ng mga Gamma Alpha Gamma Oscar ang mga gulong ng 3 kotse.” So my friend blurted out, “Boss, yung mga Gamma Alpha Gamma Omega na tinutukoy mo, ay marunong din mag Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima!”
* Starbuko - When I was in grade 1, my sundo forgot to fetch me. After waiting for hours and being the only elementary student left in the school, the guard gave me 10 pesos from his own money and helped me get a tricycle to ride home.
* Jose de vengenge - One time while the guard was frisking me, I joked: “Manong, ang taba naman ng batuta niyo saka ang haba.” The guard answered: “Oo naman…kaya lang maitim.”
* Kalabasa Extreme - When I was in high school, I was openly gay on campus. But I became “straight” in college. One day, I toured my college tropa to our high school, and when one of my guard friends saw me, he shouted, “Hoy bakla, kumusta ka na? Ang dami mong kasamang papa ha!”
* Judgedave - We play pranks on our guard who has a thick accent. I know, bad kami. But we get a kick hearing him announce on the loudspeakers, “Peejing, Rizal…Hoosi…”
* Surao - One day a security guard caught 2 employees having sex in the office pantry. Guard: “Aha! Violation of company rules!” Guy: “Anong rule?” Guard: “Uhm…not wearing uniform?”
* No name - One time as I was logging out, I absentmindedly blurted out, “Ang bilis ng oras…” The guard answered, “Mabilis talaga, kasi ang oras, tumatakbo.”
* Jose de vengenge - One time a friend got distracted by the handsome guard’s bulge. So as she rolled down the car window, the guard noticed she had so many bags in the back. Guard: “O ma’am, saan po lakad natin?” Friend: “Ah wala, magbabakatyon lang.”
* Ynaki - My friend and I were momentarily held and questioned while we were entering a building in Dubai because the security guard’s metal detector kept on beeping everytime he frisked us, even after all the metal on us were taken off. The culprit, believe it or not ,was the metal piercing on my friend’s thingy. Ayun, nakita tuloy ng mga Arabo kung gaano kalaki yung ‘ano’ niya!
* Dang - My friend needed to enter a building but the guard refused her entry. So she said, “Sige na manong, sandali lang ako, PROMISE!” The guard said, “Ma’am, alam naman nating lahat na, PROMISES are made to be broken…”
* His Airness - I’m a building administrator, so I routinely interview guards for posting. One time, I asked a guard during an interview: “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” The guard replied, ” I’m a very strong person, but I am weak when I’m in love.”

Source : Morning Rush with Chico and Del